Reflection and Inspiration

During the past week, I have been thinking a lot. Not the typical day dreaming stuff, but some real heavy thoughts. I begin to think about the priority right now in my life. I also looked back and reflected how I became who I am today. I am a determined person with a strong will. I always do my best to reach my goals, but that doesn’t mean that I refuse to accept reality and am stubborn. Although I am almost always able to achieve what I want to be, I also accept the defeat sometimes, and move on, hopefully. When I left my family in China and came to the United States with only $32 in my pocket and speaking little English, I knew that the roads ahead of me wouldn’t be easy. I studied and worked hard, because I knew it was the only way I could survive on my own, and to succeed in my future. Many times, I felt like quitting. It seemed that I couldn’t gather enough strength any more to continue. Luckily, I overcame those thoughts and I went on. How did I do it? I don’t know. I think it perhaps in my personality. I could be a fighter and don’t give up easily. Eventually I finished my Ph.D. For the first time in my life, I no longer needed to take any exam any more. I started to work and I have built a fairly successful professional career. I have seen plenty traveling around the world. I thought I would be content at that point. But no, I was not. I knew I don’t belong to the South where Jesse Helms was elected. I was suffocating. I feel I was slowly evaporating away without anything looking forward to. I comforted myself, "Things might get better later." In 2000, Mom died from cancer at quite young age. I was devastated. I realize that I cannot afford to use relying on the word "later" to put off things that I want to do. I wanted to walk the Golden Gate Bridge with mom, but she was never given a chance. She sacrificed her entire life for the family, but my chance of giving her back was cruelly taken away. And I can do nothing about it now, although I could have done something differently when she was alive. The emotion of guilt and regret consumes me everyday, perhaps will do so for the rest of my life. No, no more waiting! My life needed a change. I moved to the City, started a new life. I feel that I was born again. I became much happier. "YNOT at the Movies" was born outside my day time job, and I became actively involved in the local community. Finally, I become really content, most of the time. I feel that all my efforts in the past seem finally paid off. It seems all I need to do is to enjoy my life, and to find a great guy to fall in love with. So, what’s my priority right now? What are those dreams that I want to accomplish but I have not been able to? What are those dreams that I have achieved? Where do I go from here? What if I am no longer able to persuade my dreams? What do I have to do now in order not to have any regret when I leave everything behind? Yesterday, the 47 years old Carnegie Mellon University professor Randy Pausch, who became famous for authoring "The Last Lecture," sadly passed away. I am deeply inspired by his courage and his positive attitude about life. In his lecture, he said: "It’s not how you achieve your dreams, it’s how you lead your life." I take these words literally into my heart. How I become who I am today is already history. It’s time for me to find out what my priority is now, and how to lead my life from here.   When it comes to my priority, I need to live each day like it were my last day. Then, in the end, I am sure I will have no regret. In order to live up to my new motto, last night, after cooked and ate dinner with Peter, we walked down to a pier next to the Bay. When we were passing the Lombard Street, we saw a cute Asian couple sitting next there chatting in each other’s arms. Moments later, the guy proposed to the girl. All the passengers on a passing by cable car were cheering and applauding. It was so romantic. I took a picture, but unfortunately, it didn’t turn out bright enough. We kept walking and I took a picture of the City lights. Of course, how can I forget about the always elegant bridge? Life is precious, and I will try to live the full of it.